What’s going on in St Helena?
By Chris May

Jack and Sheree live in the outskirts of Melbourne. It’s a nice home – very neat. In their mid-thirties and following a struggle with fertility they are very pleased be almost 6 months pregnant. It’s going well.

Jack is my younger brother’s son. He experienced a difficult but financially privileged childhood. Protracted parental conflict ended in a highly contested divorce when he was in middle high school.  

Jack was the national hip hop champion in his youth and now runs a series of dance schools. He is doing well. Sheree is a natropath who also runs a small and simpler business. Her parents live nearby; they have had some difficulties but are doing OK. They will probably end up living in Jack and Sheree’s other house.  

I am staying with them while attending the AFRS and they gave me permission to share this story.

When I arrived to stay Jack was keen to talk. His first comment, unsolicited, was that services were very focused on the mum. He understood why but he was surprised how little attention he had received. His biggest worry was that he didn’t know what he needed to do to be a good dad.

We talked about the importance of warmth and sensitivity and how the quality of the relationship that he shares with Cheree in the business of raising his child will be central to building an environment where his child can thrive while also helping to ensure a satisfying long-term relationship with Sheree. It was fun talking to them about what support looked like and how important it was to regularly let her know that she is doing a good job. Cheree was a little surprised to hear that acknowledging his attempts at support was important. Letting him know when he was doing it well and trying to tell him what she needed. 

Of course he is now signed up with SMS4dads.

I was keen to get back after the first day of the AFRS and share what had happened with them. They gave me permission to share this story and use their names.

We talked about the joy of hearing from a grandfather of fathering research and how he was inspired to challenge the powerful notion that attachment relationships only exist between mothers and their children. How his work has inspired others to find that fathering is important – not just for the contribution it makes to protecting children and families from the risks associated with socioeconomic poverty. We talked about how sad it is that the seminal work of his mentor, a great thinker, has inadvertently served to entrench gendered expectations that have served women, children, and men poorly for far too long. How these early researchers’ sociopolitical blinkers prevented them from seeing what is now patently obvious.

We also talked about how this was happening while Jack’s dad and I were, playing with toy and real guns, being inculcated with gender norms in a family full of boys, while US marines from the Vietnam war stayed in our home, hiding in their rooms and crying. How I and most of my brothers managed to survive a family of boys, a violent dad (who was also complex, amazing and gentle), and become gentle nurturing fathers who don’t use violence, who share strong and rewarding relationships with their partners and how we looked after our Mum when dad was gone. This was a good conversation starter.

Jack said that only one midwife had talked to him so far. She asked him “how are you feeling?”. It was off the back of the same question to Sheree. It was nice to feel included. They had been arguing on the way to this appointment. Cheree was pissed-off with Jack because he didn’t have any questions prepared. As we talked about this, he said he didn’t have any because he felt like this wasn’t his space – it wasn’t about him. Why was Cheree pissed off? She was looking for signs that he was invested. Her dad was probably the epitome of a traditional dad. Her mum did everything at home. She doesn’t want this for her new family.

He talked about the admin lady at the ultrasound spitting out mumbo jumbo about blue slips and not addressing a single question, instruction or attention to him. It reminded me of similar experiences and how important each and any interaction with a service culture can be.

Jack would enjoy hearing a male perspective on fathering more than a female. Cheree talked about how Jack engaged with the guy who did the ultrasound. They gave her the option to select a female sonographer and she said she didn’t care. If she had elected a female Jack may not have engaged with anyone. Now she might deliberately choose a male if Jack is there.

Does Jack want to be a superhero dad? In his own eyes no – just surviving/thriving is enough. He doesn’t want to be one for Sheree either because superheroes are tormented characters. However, in this sense it sort of fits with his notions and expectations of fatherhood.

He values his health and physical fitness; these things are no brainers for Jack. He was pleased to see I had lost some weight…

Jack can now work when he wants but Sheree worries that he gets consumed by his work and that the timing may not be the best. He does a lot of work from home – Cheree wants more structure. She wants to know when he will be available.

We talked about the observation that “When dads struggle families struggle”. Cheree saw this as a problem because she would have nobody to turn to for support. She also fears that she could end up with 2 babies. Jack said that when Dads struggle, they internalise everything. “They just crack on until they crack”.

Jack does have a poor relationship with Health Professionals. He has money and time, but he doesn’t want to waste either. He said things like “If I ignore it for long enough it might go away”. “They just slap a drug on or refer you. I feel bad being in the room. They could be using their time better with somebody else.” He doesn’t like seeing the MO use Dr Google. He doesn’t want to find out that something’s wrong. He doesn’t want to be started on drugs he doesn’t need. He doesn’t know why or where this all comes from but it’s not as simple as distrust or gender norms. Some of this is clearly dissatisfaction drawn from experience.

We talked about paternity leave. They are both soul traders. They won’t get anything. They both think it is a great thing that more attention is being given to paternity leave. They both think that the dad relationship is important. They also recognise that their emotional thinking about this is different to their logic – Mum would probably take the leave.

Cheree assumes that the primary carer is the mother. As she considers this she begins to recoil – she can see that she is being boxed in. Jack has heard the term… he thought primary parent meant Mum & Dad while secondary would be somebody like nan and pop. He was disturbed to find otherwise.

They were initially taken aback by the news that some dads have said their relationships broke down because their partners weren’t happy when they wanted less traditional parenting roles. Jack thinks that a lot of women want an equal playing field in many things, but they also want to do what their mum did, ‘there are some things they are not ready to give up”. Cheree’s mum didn’t do paid work for 20 years. They have had this discussion. Cheree wants a career and wants to go back to work for identity and purpose, but she also talked about a shift on social media from women who want a more traditional role. They don’t really want what the men got – Sheree said - it’s like that movie The Intern. This was a good conversation starter….

They both feel sorry for dads who are stuck in the breadwinning role when it requires long hours and absence. They can see the sacrifice that they make. How this is an act of nurturing that nobody sees.  

They knew young families hit hard by COVID. One couple had a really difficult time – both became depressed – parenting became harsher – their relationship crumbled. They didn’t see any couples who had children thrive in the pandemic. Those who had children struggled. Those that didn’t seemed to thrive.

When it comes to co-sleeping Jack doesn’t feel that he knows enough to comment. He knows there is a lot of opinion “just like dummies”. He didn’t expect it to be controversial. “I don’t know anybody who is messed up because they co-slept as a baby.” Cheree’s biggest fear is squishing the baby. They want to start with a bassinet beside the bed. If it doesn’t work bub is coming into the bed and this will be Sheree’s choice. They currently co-sleep with their neurotic dachshund. If the baby comes into the bed Jack will have to sleep elsewhere with the dog. If Jack objected Cheree would still co-sleep.

Jack is looking forward to reading books with his children. Cheree is too. They already have a copy of the hungry caterpillar. They don’t see this as a gendered role. They did however talk about how they should start thinking about things that Jack could do, jobs that he could own in caring for the baby so that Sheree didn’t have to do it all but also so that she could learn to let go and trust the way that he was going to do things. She knows that this is going to be hard for her.

Getting angry with a crying baby was controversial. Jack started by saying that anger is a normal human response and that what you do with that anger is within your control. He then said it probably would not be anger for him – maybe annoyed. “I can imagine dads who are genuinely mad, and I don’t think that that is OK”. Cheree thinks that the education around this issue is shared with women. “If you want to shake ‘em put ‘em down”.  Men aren’t provided with this education because it is assumed that it will be the mother who is doing the care. Once again - a good conversation starter.

We finished by asking what this experience with Uncle Wally (my family nickname) had been like for them. They used words like timely, insightful, informative and useful. They had enjoyed doing this together and that they now have more to talk about. New things are more likely to pop up for Jack than Sheree because she is doing most of the reading but everything is a learning opportunity. At this point in time however, it is interesting, helpful, but all hypothetical.

It’s made Sheree reflect on how she can plan to influence Jack’s involvement and how important it is going to be for her to get this happening routinely and early.

On a finishing note Jack wanted to be sure that he wasn’t misrepresented. He doesn’t want to be “that guy” and he isn’t. Jack is a very engaging, generous, and socially responsible man. He is well connected with family, friends, and community. He has good relationships with women – in fact his best man was a woman. I would describe him as cool and pretty woke. He is a better man than his dad. Perhaps better than his uncle Wally.

Despite this, we can see that their experiences, history and the culture of service delivery are nudging them toward a family life that will be heavily influenced by gendered expectations of roles and responsibilities. An ongoing situation that those attending the AFRS are working to address.